Die spammer en gevaaalik.com

Die koms van die internet het ons lewens heelwat verbeter. Dit voel amper onmoontlik om te dink aan ‘n wêreld sonder e-pos, Skype, YouTube, internet banking en gevaaalik.com. Ongelukkig voel dit ook deesdae onmoontlik om te dink aan ‘n wêreld sonder Rebecca Black en Clarise, huisgenoot.com, die hordes idiote wat heeltyd die domonnoselste kommentaar op Nuus24.com skryf, babafoto’s op Facebook en die idee dat tossers soos hierdie ook websites het. Laasgenoemde is alreeds genoeg om my die fetusposisie te laat aanneem terwyl ek myself met ‘n lighter brand. But I digress.

Daar is natuurlik ook spam, daardie een ander ding waarmee ons moes leer saamleef. Meeste e-mail filters is nou al so goed dat mens amper nooit eers jou spam self hoef te verwyder nie. Die magics van die interwebs fok dit alles sommer dadelik in mens se spam folder in. Die kategorieë van spam kan as volg opgesom word:

• Die “I is beautiful blonde russian who want to be wife and make love to your man part”-soort;
• Die “Turn your trousersnake into a raging anaconda”-soort;
• Die “Absa/Nedbank/Standard Bank/First National Bank security notice”-soort;
• Die “Fittingly huge corporation (i.e. Shell, BP, Price Waterhouse Coopers) conducting a lottery”-soort; en
• Die “Absurdly enormous amount of money with no beneficiary that I must randomly entrust to you”-soort.

Natuurlik kan daar nog kategorieë bygesit word, maar dit is oor die algemeen die soort goed wat ek kry. ‘n Rukkie gelede het ek weer ‘n spam-e-pos uit die laasgenoemde kategorie gekry, en hierdie keer – vir julle vermaak – het ek besluit om te antwoord. Beste gevaaalik.com-lesers, ek bied met trots aan die e-poskorrespondensie tussen Mr. Song Chen en Joe de Doper.

____________________________________________________________________________

To: Joe de Doper
From: Mr. Song Chen
Subject: Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD

My mental image of Mr Song Chen

Dear Friend,

I am Song  Chen i have a Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD for you to handle with me from
my bank contact me for more information(mr.songchen403@yahoo.cn)

Regards,
Mr Song  Chen

____________________________________________________________________________

To: Mr. Song Chen
From: Joe de Doper
Subject: RE: Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD

Dear Mr Song Chen,

Thank you for contacting me about your Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD dollar for me to handle with you. It sounds utterly credible. I am delighted that you have chosen to contact me about this, and I am awaiting further contact from you with the avidity of a desperate pregnant woman who has been 11 months pregnant and has not yet given birth. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can discuss your Business Proposal (of $12.8mUSD dollar) in more detail.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Joe

PS: Must I call you Song or Chen, or should I stick to Mr Song Chen?

____________________________________________________________________________

To: Joe de Doper
From: Mr. Song Chen
Subject: RE: RE: Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD

Dear Partner,

Thank you very much for responding to my email and your interest in this transaction. I want you to know that this is very much real and genuine. You have nothing to worry about for i have put all necessary modalities that will ensure the success of this transaction. Although you might be apprehensive about my email as we have not met before,Let me start by introducing myself.I am Song Chen Head of Operations in Dah Sing Bank,Hong Kong, I am married with two children Liu my daughter and Lee my son, My address is #200 Connaught Road Central, Sheung Wan, Hong Kong.

Mr Song Chen se awesome huis volgens Google Maps

I have lived here for the past 16years. I work with the Dah Sing Bank. There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever come forward to claim it. That is why I ask that we work together so as to have the sum transferred out of my bank into your account. Note that all is well planned as we shall do this inline with all legal and banking requirements. All I need from you is your willingness, trust and commitment.

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Mr. Yoshi You, all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job.

After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in this matter, as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you.

Should you be interested please send me your,
1, Full names:
2, private phone number:
3, current residential address:
4,Country of Residence:
5,Your Age:
6,Occupation:

Ensure that you keep this project confidential; do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

I am awaiting your quick response.
Regards,
Mr Song Chen

____________________________________________________________________________

To: Mr. Song Chen
From: Joe de Doper
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD

Dear Mr Song Chen,

I cannot thank you enough for replying to my e-mail, and thank you for also reassuring me that these e-mails and this transaction are “real and genuine”. There are a few things in your message that again reassured me that this is not some type of scam. Firstly you referred to me as “Partner”, and not as Joe, (the latter being my actual name), and this shows me the deep trust that exists between us, while also indicating that you as a professional are not bogged down by technical matters such as names. Secondly, because you so candidly told me where you work, shared your family members’ names with me and gave me your address in Hong Kong, I cannot for a moment think that this is not, as you say, “very much real and genuine”. I even looked at your house on Google Maps and I must say that your home certainly has no lack of parking. Speaking of your wife, please send her my regards and I hope that we will be able to meet after our transaction is concluded to share some sweet-‘n-sour pork and perhaps even a massage with happy ending.

I’m glad that you contacted me about these funds that have been left so orphaned by some carless beneficiaries. As far as I can gather from your e-mail, you only need “willingness, trust and commitment” from me. Obviously you have that. And then you also said you would like to have some of my personal details, which I will include in this message. Please give them to your attorney so he can commence with his “legalized methods” to make me next of kin to Mr Yoshi You. It’s such a coincidence that Mr Yoshi You’s surname is You. Where I live, we have this magazine called You, but I trust there is no relation to the late Mr Yoshi You, who seems to have been such a careless man to leave $12mUSD dollar so properly unattended. Thank goodness that it befell your very capable hands!

Here are my personal details:

1. Full names: Joe Ngonyama Beerslagter de Doper
2. Phone number: (I have no phone currently, as I live on a small farm given to me by my rich father, but I am an avid e-mail user)
3. Current residential address: The Bear Farm, Linveldt Road, 0110, Pretoria, South Africa
4. Country of residence: South Africa
5. My age: 30
6. Occupation: Bear trainer (I train bears to act in a magnificent show where they are dressed up as unicorns that must fight an evil colony of ponies who wish to rid the world of magical creatures. It’s a roar, and the bear-unicorns always triumph over the evil and bloodthirsty ponies, who are also very expensive animal actors, by the way)

Now this part is slightly awkward, because I still don’t know whether to call you Song or Cheng or Song Cheng or Mr Song Cheng. I asked you in my last e-mail, but you must be a very busy man with your important job (“put all necessary modalities” and all that), so maybe you didn’t get to that part of the message. Please let me know, partner.

I am also awaiting your quick response.

Your partner who trusts you completely, very much like Keanu Reeves’s character trusted Patrick Swayze’s (may he rest in peace) character in that film Point Break.
Joe Ngonyama Beerslagter de Doper

____________________________________________________________________________

To: Joe de Doper
From: Mr. Song Chen
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your response,Like I said before,due to this issue on my hands now,it became necessary for me to seek your assistance, I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project,and also you will help me in investing my money in your country, I am quite certain about that. You should not have anything to worry about, I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly,it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking, you have my word.Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up.If you work seriously,the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME

Firstly,you should note that this project is highly capital intensive, this is why I have to be very careful, I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before,but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I am now in contact with a foreign online bank, I now intend that you open an account in your name in this foreign bank.The money would be transfered to your account which you will open in the bank for both of us, this is the best way,I have found,it will protect us from my bank. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. So you should listen to my instructions and follow them religiously.

Also You have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name as my bank will be aware that it is from me, this is where I need you.As result of this,you will have to open an account in the corresponding bank. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from this my bank,it will be issued in your name, this will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this,the money will be banked online for both of us. We can then instruct the bank to transfer our various shares into our respective home bank accounts.

I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right.Before I commence,I will need you to send me a copy of any form of your identification (Driver’s licence Work ID or International passport) and I want to be sure that I am transacting with the correct person. As soon as I get these from you,I will commence the paper work. I hope you will understand why I need all these, the money in question is big and I want to ensure that I know you well before I proceed to give you all the details to commence the project, I will also send you my Work Identification and my family picture  upon receipt of your identification.I will send the name and contact details of the bank so that you can commence communication with them.Ensure that you keep this project confidential, do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

Please reply soonest.

Regards,
Mr.Song Chen

____________________________________________________________________________

To: Mr. Song Chen
From: Joe de Doper
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Business Proposal of $12.8mUSD

Dear Mr Song Chen,

Dié lisensie is die eindproduk van Photoshopping sonder Photoshop

Thank you again for replying so quickly. Had you not been such a trustworthy person, I would seriously have considered that you’re not even reading my e-mails but simply scanning them for certain information before replying with a generic message. But that’s not at all like you, and I want to thank you for the seriousness with which you are approaching this matter. I am obviously returning the professional courtesy. It’s also great to hear that you are ensuring that the project is strictly legal, and will “pass through all Laws of International Banking”. When you write “Laws of International Banking” I actually don’t have the slightest barking idea of what it is you’re talking about, but since it’s capitalised, I guess it must be muy importante para coños, as they say in Mexico. This of course reminds me that you still haven’t told me whether I should call you Song, Chen, Song Chen, Mr Song, Song-Song, Chen-Chen, Mr Chen or just Mr Song Chen. I see you’re calling me “friend” now, which is all great, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable, especially since you are having “issue on your hands”. After calling me partner in the previous e-mail, I hope you understand that I’m not okay with you being a hand-on-my-thigh-kind-of-guy, right? So would it be okay if I called you Sensei Strawberry Shortcake? Or maybe an honorary title in my mother tongue: Domdoos. I like that name and somehow it reminds me of your trustworthiness.

Sarel en Sarie

You again astutely observe that we’ve never met before. Don’t worry about me, though, I’m as trustworthy as a lethal injection to the testicles. Please find attached to this e-mail my driving licence, as you requested. It’s not my best photo, to be honest, and while most people say we all look like crap on our identification photos, I think I look more like Patrick Swayze than crap. Don’t you think? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, hey, so send along that photo of your family. Can I request a specific photo? Perhaps of your wife in “happy ending” attire? Hell, you can be in “happy ending” attire too, if you like. With 40% of $12mUSD dollar at stake, I’m open to that. I’m also attaching photos of my farm, so that you can see I am really a bear trainer, as I mentioned in my previous e-mail. There’s a very cute photo of Sarel and Sarie, my two brown bears. There’s also a photo of one of the (former) ponies. Don’t be fooled by how gentle he looks. Ponies are malicious creatures that can cause serious harm to bears/unicorns if left unattended. Sly little motherfuckers with their tiny hooves and manes. They usually go for the eyes, but in some instances have also been known to target the testicles. I currently have a bit of a shortage in ponies (they were defeated marvellously in last week’s show at the Boksburg Show), but I’ll be sure to get some new ones for when you visit after our transaction is complete. I’ll even let your children have a ride on Sarel and Sarie. My bear farm would for instance be a sound investment for some of your money.

‘n Moordlustige ponie

Please send me further instructions to follow, as you say, “regliously”. I’m usually not a very religious man, but I think I know what you mean. So here’s my driving licence, and the photos I promised. Please get back to me, dear Domdoos, so that we can conclude this deal that will make us both loaded.

Please reply as soon as possible,
Joe Ngonyama Beerslagter de Doper

____________________________________________________________________________

Dit was ongelukkig die einde van die korrespondensie tussen my en Mr Song Chen. Hy het moontlik ophou terugskryf omdat hy nou ‘n “lisensie” het waarmee hy sy heerlike bedrog kan pleeg, of die pompende bere het hom uiteindelik laat besef wat hier aan die gang is. Anyway, dit was lekker om die fokker se tyd bietjie te mors vir julle plesier.